I finally made it to 5k KGS, and the result is that I get to take white against other KGS 5k players in matches that have a correct komi. The game, however, didn't go all that well. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about my moves, but still fell behind early on and wound up with a bunch of weak groups, which led to a summary resignation relatively early on.

I have a feeling I can figure out which of the moves were the errors, but figuring out what I should have done differently is another matter entirely.

Flame away! Tell me how badly I played!

You didn't play badly, at least not the part I looked at. Anyway, here's my thoughts on your game. Like Bill says, no guarantees.

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We don't know who we are; we don't know where we are.
Each of us woke up one moment and here we were in the darkness.
We're nameless things with no memory; no knowledge of what went before,
No understanding of what is now, no knowledge of what will be.

Regarding the pushing from the wrong side on White 14, I still don't see any benefit from pushing Black from the top. Either way White pushes, Black is still going to get a stable base along the side, and it seems to me that if White pushes from the top, Black is going to end up with two strong (or at least stable) groups surrounding an unstable White group.

One of the things I've learned from Bill Spight (I think he was the one who said it in a review of one of my games) is that you should play for one eye on the side, and you can get your second eye in the center: trying at this early stage to get two eyes on the side will result in small life with your opponent getting too much territory elsewhere in compensation. But I don't really see where I'm going to get even that one eye on the side. To me, it looks as though I'm going to end up with a weak floating group.

Your unstable white group has forcing moves against the corner. In addition, if you push the black group from the top, I don't know if I'd call it stable. I feel like it would look thin next to the wall, even though there's some space between there, and I'd be uneasy as Black because W could take my base away anytime. I think you're not really feeling the power coming from that wall- it's not really a weak group, even if it can't make eyes easily. A wall like that is hard to attack, esp. when black is as thin as he is on the left side.

Other people have already covered the direction-of-play mistakes in the opening. It seemed like you were playing very cautiously with moves like C8, G17, G4, S5...

Rather than play to capture the F14 stone I'd be tempted at this point to play at E11, E10, or D10. Not sure which. Capturing that one stone at f14 feels small when that group has plenty of eyespace along the top.

Assuming the group eventually lives, Q11 is 1 point gote for both sides. So that move should not be played for a long time.

I just wanted to point out that J18 is not actually that big of a deal, because you can seal the top in sente and later take the stones at K16. But it does looks like you're 15-20 points behind on the board with rapidly diminishing prospects for gain. Most of that I think can be chalked up to the opening, and the slow moves.

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Keep in mind, I am frequently wrong.