NoSkill wrote:
Lately go has just been too stressful, im enjoying studying it but I can't play it for fun. Im thinking i was 2k when i was 12 in america with no teacher, and if medicial issues didnt happen I could be a strong dan by now. Im 16 now and i really wanted to resume playing go seriously again this year for a chance to at least become a high dan sometime in the future, so ive been reading some go books, doing L&D, bought baduk tv, etc. but now its like when I play I don't take my time and just care about winning, but I don't know what to study. All this material and im not sure what to do, I just want to get stronger. And when I played I end up playing very bad moves and not focusing on anything just thinking about winning, but I dont focus on playing. I feel like if I quit im giving up too easily, say if I want to play a game online instead. So then I keep trying to play and study more but do worse and worse.
Its like I have too much drive but too little time/don't followup enough and so I end up getting very frustrated. Before when I worked my way to 2k i just played like 5-10 games of blitz perday for fun not even trying anything special or studying, but I feel like now I have to study to become serious...
In general, having short breaks from Go seems to be good and can actually make you stronger, because it gives you perspective.
I remember one time about 4-5 years ago I was quite stressed out because my job was crazy and I had a problem with my back because my desk wasn't much good (also at work
). I couldn't play well because the stress carried over into my games and sometimes I had a lot of back pain. I was feeling frustrated, and even angry sometimes.
I asked Younggil about feeling stressed and he encouraged me learn to meditate, which took ages to get the hang of, but helped a lot. Also, I started exercising a lot more around that time to make my back stronger. It's taken years to fix my back and it's still not 100%, but these days I run 5km every second day and enjoy doing that. Both meditation and exercise really helped me get stronger at Go, as well as really improving my life in lots of other way. I became happier and also got better at Go somehow without even playing for 6 months. Some other people have had this experience too.
One of the great things about Go is that it plants the seed of that drive to improve into your mind. I think before I learned Go, I often just drifted along without trying really hard for anything much. I cruised through school and didn't take it seriously. I thought any sort of self-help book was totally lame.
But after I learned Go, I really wanted to get better. And then that carried over into other parts of my life, and I really wanted to get better at everything else too. So I think the great thing about Go is that it makes you a better person if you let it. It makes you more patient, it teaches you to see things from other people's perspectives, it teaches you how to work hard (if you don't know already - I didn't) and it lights the fire in your belly. That's why it's worth teaching to other people.
Anyway, that's a story about me and I don't know how applicable it is to you. Probably it's boring and your situation is different. I just mentioned these things to give you something to think about. I know that the 18 year old version of me probably would have read this and thought something like "what a gay soliloquy," but learning Go changed me (I first learned Go when I was 20 and many people start later than that - you still have plenty of time).
Go can be a 'lifelong friend' (to quote Go Seigen), or it can be destructive addiction if you let it. A lot of people experience both at one time or another. Choose to let it have a good influence on your life and when you feel like things are getting unstable, stop playing. Don't just challenge someone else to a blitz game and then feel bad when you can't focus. You're tired and you don't even know it. You're not learning efficiently because your brain is exhausted. You could actually be wasting time.
After you improve a little bit more, you might start to see the whole board with greater clarity. You'll realize that local tactics (no matter how sharp they are) are only good if they support a global strategy. Capturing a corner is meaningless if it lets your partner gain more elsewhere. If all you're doing is playing Go, you're fixated on the corner. You're stuck, but there's a whole world out there. Channel that drive to improve into something else for awhile. Focus on graphic design if that's what you like doing. Take up a new hobby and make some new friends. There must be tons of things you've always wanted to try, right?
Take a moment when playing Go, or doing anything else to focus your mind on what you're doing and widen your perspective. There's cool stuff going on everywhere around us.
If you still feel frustrated about Go, have a break from playing and studying it. Cancel Baduk TV if you want to, we'll understand. If you're really worried about going backwards, try solving some problems for a little while each day, but only if you enjoy it. If you miss a day, don't worry. Only visit this forum occasionally and only if you enjoy it. Don't log on to KGS.
After a few weeks or months, you might start to feel like you'd really like to play Go again. Like there's nothing you'd rather be doing right now than playing and learning more about Go.
When that happens, come back and have fun.
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