Life In 19x19
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Girlfriend And Go
http://www.lifein19x19.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=1664		 Page 1 of 5
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Girlfriend And Go
Okay, I've played Go for around 4-5 months now, and during that span I've tried sporadically to get my girlfriend to play Go as well. It worked once, but then she was discouraged because I defeated her handily. Although, I do admit, I wasn't really trying...And I gave a nine stone handicap. Anyway, my goal is to somehow enable her to see just why this game has captivated me so much. However, my attempts have been in vein, and it seems like I'm making her more disinterested than interested.

So, question of the day: How do I get her interested? (And man, so many puns there, I know.)
Author:  Kirby [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
1.) Your efforts probably won't work.

2.) If anything, you could suggest she play igowin for awhile.
Author:  fwiffo [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
I think it's a bad idea.
Author:  LokBuddha [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
I tried what you are doing right now, and I haven't had a single girlfr ever since. It sucks I know. My girlfr asked me to show her, but it was boring, and I realized that while showing her too! A couple of years later, some girls asked me to teach them out of the blue, and I lightly say sure, but I wouldn't never show them. If they (your girlfr in this case) are interested in the game, she would find out herself already.

Nothing is really universal, go is the same. Even if you think it is captivating, other may not find it captivating, no matter how much you think it is.

Not to discourage you or anything, but from what you described, she just doesn't have the curiosity.

Peace, last post.
Author:  xed_over [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
Some people will just never get it -- and that's ok.

Could they learn to like it with a different teacher? Maybe, but not always.

I tried teaching each of my three daughters. My oldest almost caught on (and she played pair go with me at the recent Portland Congress), but my youngest caught on the best and maybe is about 18k (she came to the Tacoma Congress with me), but she then quit when she entered her teens.

Neither my middle daughter nor my wife are interested in learning to play.
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
I guess the universal answer here is no. I know it's never a good idea to force your hobby onto someone else, especially your GF, so I guess I'll probably give up. The only person I have been able to get interested in Go is my friend Brian. And he doesn't play very much. He plays only against me, and is not too good....But he's too competitive with me to let me be his teacher, unfortunately.
Author:  fwiffo [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
I may be only 4 kyu at go, but I'm 7 dan at screwing up relationships. And trying to make my girlfriend play go is the exact kind of thing I'd do.
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 6:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
fwiffo wrote:
I may be only 4 kyu at go, but I'm 7 dan at screwing up relationships. And trying to make my girlfriend play go is the exact kind of thing I'd do.


Sorry to hear that. I guess the best choice of having a GF that plays Go is having a GF that's already interested in the game! lol
Author:  kokomi [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
it's a bad idea maybe. unless you can control the results up to 0.5 point. :twisted:
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
kokomi wrote:
it's a bad idea maybe. unless you can control the results up to 0.5 point. :twisted:



I think if I was good enough to do that, I'd be stronger than 15K-16K
Author:  Joaz Banbeck [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 9:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
This reminds me of the relationship forums where every other guy is trying to get his girlfrind to do a threemumblemumble. The consensus is that women will do what they want when they want, and asking them more than once just breeds resentment and resistance.
You asked once; she is not interested. Quit now and you will both be happier.
Author:  rubin427 [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 9:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
I had this big long response all typed out, but I can see Joaz just won the thread.
Author:  POGO [ Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
Sound advice, let her be.

I tried getting my wife into the game around 4 months ago.
turns out shes good at the nuclear tsuji.

but my randomized point is this.

girlfreinds/wives/sisters/mothers will allways ALLWAYS do what they want when they want.
as my wife so perfectly puts it.

you only think you got us into something, but in fact without us it would be nothing.
Author:  tapir [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 2:05 am ]
Post subject:  Couples And Go
There are a lot of go playing couples, who never play against each other. There was an interview with Rui Naiwei and Jiang Zhujiu, where they told the same about themselves, Seems to be best practice to study together but not to play each other.
Author:  Laman [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
tapir wrote:
There are a lot of go playing couples, who never play against each other. There was an interview with Rui Naiwei and Jiang Zhujiu, where they told the same about themselves, Seems to be best practice to study together but not to play each other.

yes, this seems to be true. same applies for example for Choi Cheolhan and Yun Ji Hee (I've heard it from Yun).

hailthorn011: perhaps she would like more to play against roughly even opponent. i am always much happier when i can teach two beginners playing each other, not only playing myself against one.
Author:  daal [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 4:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
hailthorn011 wrote:
Okay, I've played Go for around 4-5 months now, and during that span I've tried sporadically to get my girlfriend to play Go as well. It worked once, but then she was discouraged because I defeated her handily. Although, I do admit, I wasn't really trying...And I gave a nine stone handicap. Anyway, my goal is to somehow enable her to see just why this game has captivated me so much. However, my attempts have been in vein, and it seems like I'm making her more disinterested than interested.

So, question of the day: How do I get her interested? (And man, so many puns there, I know.)

Just because your girlfriend isn't interested in playing go, doesn't mean that she can't get interested in other ways. If there's one thing that most women really like to do, it is to talk (and if you're offended, I bet you'll tell me why). Go is a wonderful thing to talk about. First of all, it is one of your big interests, and something you like to spend time doing. Your girlfriend is interested in what you do and why you do it (and why you spend so much time doing it when you could be doing something with her). Tell her what fascinates you about the game, how it makes you feel and what it makes you think about. Talk to her about the subjects and conflicts that crop up here - there are wonderful threads on culture, philosophy, education, rules... just to name a few - and you've already read the talking points!

My girlfriend for example won't play hardly anything. My daughter and I have struggled to teach her the simplest games, but she only plays them grudgingly. However, she does like to hear what I have to say about go, and it's nice for me to have someone to share my experiences with. Not many other people seem to care much about my epic 6k battles.

So I say, talk talk talk. You'll both have something from it, and I'm sure that it's good for a go player's relationship if your significant other sees why you find it worthwhile to spend your time doing it. Once you get the hang of talking about go, you might even discover that you have something insightful and go related to say about the most abstruse subjects, from flowerpots and curtains to dirty dishes (bad aji).
Author:  Horibe [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:22 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
Some good advice has been given here, but the casual "just give up" is not. And comparing this issue it to "mumblemumble" is pretty offensive. Go is very important, relationships are very important, and most of us would like to have both in our lives.

EARLY EDIT - I posted a lot before realizing that I know nothing about the poster - this could be a high school relationship - this advice is more for someone older in a serious commitment type of situation.

Yes you should stop pressuring her to play.

Yes you should certainly not play her yourself.

However, assuming you like her, because she is your girlfriend, and assuming you like go, because you are willing to risk ruining the relationship by bugging her about it - then you do need to find ways that the two interests can goexist.

Go club, tournaments, Congresses - even online addiction can take time away from the relationship. Now, I would think most women would find this less objectionable than carousing bars with "the boys", but it still can be time spent that is resented.

You must make the game positive. Try to downplay any frustration you have with your own game, and emphasize the fun. Dont block her out - like telling her to leave you alone when you are online playing for hours and dont let the game effect your mood negatively, or her attitude will be negative. Share with her fun things that happen in games - do not try her patience - just quick little "look how big this group was that died" or "so and so is watching my game, remember we met him once". If she asks a question, welcome it, but don't overdo the response.

You need to get some friends that play go, preferably cool friends, which may be difficult with go players, but try to make them sound cool. Do some things with them that interest her. Include her in the more interesting things that interest you here, and what you are learning about people here and online that play.

If she discovers that, even if the game does not interest her, that the people are cool and she might even want to meet them, then you can include her in things and she will resent the time spent on the game much less. She is almost certainly going to be more interested in actual people at a go club or tournament, than user names here and on KGS.

And, under these circumstances, she might even come around to playing...but that should not be your goal - your goal should be for her to appreciate that this is important to you, and that it would be nice if she took an interest - just as you should take an interest in things that are important to her.
Author:  zinger [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
Maybe you could try getting involved in one of her hobbies.
Author:  Chew Terr [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:15 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
daal wrote:
Just because your girlfriend isn't interested in playing go, doesn't mean that she can't get interested in other ways.


My girlfriend and I came to an agreement recently. She told me, if I read Pride and Prejudice, she would read all of Hikaru no Go. I figured it is something go-related that she can enjoy that might help her understand my love of the game a little. And I just finished Pride and Prejudice a few days ago... =D
Author:  dfan [ Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Girlfriend And Go
Chew Terr wrote:
My girlfriend and I came to an agreement recently. She told me, if I read Pride and Prejudice, she would read all of Hikaru no Go. I figured it is something go-related that she can enjoy that might help her understand my love of the game a little. And I just finished Pride and Prejudice a few days ago... =D

Win-win! Pride and Prejudice is a great book.

I taught my wife some chess (she already knew the rules). That consisted mostly of her playing correspondence games online and me commenting afterwards. She also did some problems on the Chess Tactics Server, which is a fun way to be served up tactical puzzles. That worked pretty well, but it had a few things going for it (as opposed to go):
  • She already knew the rules
  • She already had other friends who played occasionally, so she had some social incentive to play well
  • She had a concrete achievable goal of being able to beat her friends regularly
Once she got to that goal, she didn't have much interest in taking it further, which is fine. One nice thing is that I can come home from a tournament and show her the sweet combination I played, and she can get why it was cool.

She's expressed some interest in go (because she sees me spending so much time with it), but because the items in the list above don't apply, it's a bit tougher. I taught her the basic rules (Chinese) and we played a couple of 9x9 games with super-high handicaps, which went fine. That's as far as we've taken it, though.

Repeating some suggestions already made:
  • If she doesn't have any interest herself, don't force it.
  • Hikaru no Go could be a nice way to raise some interest.
  • I recommend starting to play by briefly going over Chinese rules (basically just capturing; don't bring up ko, don't mention eyes, don't talk about territory since you can count without it) and playing a 9x9 game with a 9-stone handicap. Talk about ko if it comes up, talk about eyes after a few games.
  • If she picks up any interest in playing on her own, Igowin is great to learn against.
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