So the amount of games I play have declined heavly lately.

I don't dare to login to KGS because I don't want to make a fool of myself, I timed out from a game on OGS and feel bad about that so I don't login there, I do still somehow manage to play some on DGS but way to slow tempo to remeber what I am doing at my level... and also the usual stuff for OGA.

This would not be so bad, if it was not that I also kind of feel bad and sometime don't go to either of the Go Clubs, the reasoning here is basicly this, 'you can only lose so many 9-stone games untill it gets old'. There basicly is nobody as bad as I am at go.

A more skilled friend then me noted, 'You really should get better you read so much theory and do tsumego so often', but the thing is, 1) Remmebering the theory and applying it in game situation, acctually seeing in the game when you have a tsumego like situation. But I don't because I play way to few games. (Also when my mind would be best for a game of Go is probably at the same time as work, and I probably are using the same type of processing of data as I work with webb-development.)

Hi virre, have you experienced this kind of feeling in any other fields ?

Well honestly people don't remember who you are on KGS or other servers in general (I can't usually remember if I've played someone already a couple of days ago). If you're 20kyu on KGS and make 20kyu mistakes, what is there to be ashamed of? If timing out on OGS bothered you (and it would have been a bit annoying to the other player) log in, apologise and move on.

Your offline Go anxiety sounds more like the Go club is maybe not the best place for you right now if it's important to get even games. I'm not sure getting sick of playing 9 stone games is the same as Go anxiety though. Perhaps if you only really enjoy offline Go you could see online Go as just a way of getting to the level at which you can play decent even games offline. Having a purpose to play online might change how you see it.

You don't say what sort of rank you are at but if you're a beginner reading theory books is probably a waste of time. Also whether you remember the moves or not tsumego is good at training your ability to read ahead which is always useful, not just when it comes to playing a tombstone tesuji or suchlike.

There's also the chance you don't actually enjoy playing Go.

I can relate to this. I love to watch go video's, read about go but playing is Shy away from. Like you I'm embarrassed I suck so bad - but I can't get better unless I play, catch 22. I've played 2 games recently on Tygem with someone my level 18kyu and lost both games - the last one was fairly close.

However, I'm never sure where to play and if I'm responding correctly to a particular move. Often times I find out the hard way which is a bit discouraging when I thought my group was alive (I can swear I had two eyes).

Anyway, just to let you know you are not alone and we just have to grit our teeth and move forward - all for the love of the game!

I've been there, too. And as much as rationalising it, it makes no sense to be anxious about a game, I was. A combination of playing experience (hard to get without playing, so... just do it) and losing quite a lot of games helped a lot. Basically, I forced myself to play [...] The first few were frightening, then it got increasingly better. I just played 2 long time matches, and for the first time (for non-NGA games) I had no anxiety trouble. And I lost both. So... what? I'll win the next. Or the next. Or another: experience has taught me that even if I suck at go... well, we all suck. So, sooner or later I'll get a win and all the while I'll learn from my mistakes here.

Do you know how many games I remember when I was 2 stones weaker? 3 stones weaker? 5 stones? 8? 9? The answer is the same, regardless of whether the game was a casual online game, a tournament game, a painful game where I lost by time despite winning on the board, a game where my opponent escaped, a game where it was against my dearest of rivals or friends, a game I played in the US Go Congress, etc.



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bad at knowing the diffrence between a false and a close eye

Hi virre, what do you mean by a "close eye" ?
Could you show an example in a diagram ?