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Supernova (Poem)
http://www.lifein19x19.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1734		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Sat Sep 25, 2010 6:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Supernova (Poem)
My number one talent is writing. It's what I love doing. Always has been. Always will be. Recently, my writing has, unfortunately, been lacking. It's probably because my attention has been diverted elsewhere. Nevertheless, this is one I wrote tonight. I liked it, so I thought I'd share it in the Off Topic section. I hope you all like it! :D


Supernova

With the innocence of a whisper on the wind
A supernova was born today

It breathed life onto a million stars
Creating an unfathomable glammer

Bathed in the nuances of newborn life
From strife were many sturdy bridges built

Finally the blinking life touched earth
Like a promise of world peace

Born into a murky room of dark despair
The light began to grow dirty

The promises the star made to the heavens
Soon paved a way for internal struggle

Every storm this star faced a stern eye
Painting it with a mask made of blood

The star proceeded to cover the truth in film
Afraid that the truth was worse than any lie

It was a lie that could make this star smile
A smile as beautiful as any sunset

All with the innocence of a whisper on the wind
A supernova was born today
Author:  Joaz Banbeck [ Sat Sep 25, 2010 10:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Schwartzchild did not endorse;
It became a small red dwarf.
Author:  Stefany93 [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
hailthorn011 wrote:
My number one talent is writing.[/i]


I do not think it is nice to praise yourself. < Some comments removed for being too critical of a fellow board member - JB >
Author:  daniel_the_smith [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:37 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
It's in the off topic section, Stefany-- I don't think that was called for. If you don't care, don't read it...

Also there's a certain irony in mentioning how many books you've written while castigating someone for singing their own praises...

EDIT: I don't think her post needed to be modded... I don't think we were about to have a flame war or anything... (and where's the batman smilie??)
Author:  amnal [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Stefany93 wrote:
hailthorn011 wrote:
My number one talent is writing.[/i]


I do not think it is nice to praise yourself. < Some comments removed for being too critical of a fellow board member - JB >


I wouldn't read this poem if it was advertised or part of some advertisement. But if hailthorn has thought it would be nice to post it, maybe it's worth reading, since it's not like he posts everything he ever sets down on paper here.

I thought it was good.
Author:  Loons [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Reading this, in my head I have a picture of a careworn peasant woman leaning a hand against a cradle in front of a window with some Van Gogh -ey stars out. I'm curious to know what you were thinking of when you wrote it ?

While we all know the objectively best poem ever has already been written, I also enjoyed this. Thankyou for sharing.

(PS: If anyone hasn't read what Edgar Allan Poe had to say about his poem The Raven, I really suggest looking it up)

(PPS: If you did find that quite funny, you might have a similar sense of humor to me, and I sincerely recommend digging up a copy of Letters from the Earth and reading what Twain had to say about Last of the Mohicans)

(PPPS: These postscripts have gone off topic a little bit, I should probably go to bed)
Author:  Joaz Banbeck [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Loons wrote:
(PPS: If you did find that quite funny, you might have a similar sense of humor to me, and I sincerely recommend digging up a copy of Letters from the Earth and reading what Twain had to say about Last of the Mohicans)
...


I second this. It is called 'The Literary Offenses of James Fenimore Cooper".
Author:  daniel_the_smith [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 9:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
I never put books down out of boredom and I didn't make it three pages into that one (Last of the Mohicans)... Then I saw the movie and was happy I hadn't read any further...
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Stefany93 wrote:
hailthorn011 wrote:
My number one talent is writing.[/i]


I do not think it is nice to praise yourself. < Some comments removed for being too critical of a fellow board member - JB >


It's what I've always been told. That's not me saying I'm the best writer ever. It's just me saying that's what I'm personally best at out of all the things I do. :P
Author:  hailthorn011 [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Loons wrote:
Reading this, in my head I have a picture of a careworn peasant woman leaning a hand against a cradle in front of a window with some Van Gogh -ey stars out. I'm curious to know what you were thinking of when you wrote it ?

While we all know the objectively best poem ever has already been written, I also enjoyed this. Thankyou for sharing.

(PS: If anyone hasn't read what Edgar Allan Poe had to say about his poem The Raven, I really suggest looking it up)

(PPS: If you did find that quite funny, you might have a similar sense of humor to me, and I sincerely recommend digging up a copy of Letters from the Earth and reading what Twain had to say about Last of the Mohicans)

(PPPS: These postscripts have gone off topic a little bit, I should probably go to bed)


I'm not entirely sure what it's about either. I usually leave it to the reader to give their opinions. :D
Author:  Maere [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 12:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
hailthorn011 wrote:
I'm not entirely sure what it's about either.

I guess that explains why it doesn't make much sense :-?
I'm sorry, you're not going to be pleased with my post, but I'm going to say it anyway because no one ever gets better without going through the pain of negative review.

I didn't like it. It's fine for a poem to be abstract, but this just looks like you wrote down whatever came to your mind without really trying to make it work together.
Poetry is very hard. A good poem makes words work together phonetically, rhythmically, and in meaning. I can't find the music in yours, and rereading it three times I still have no idea what it tells me.

Also:

Quote:
With the innocence of a whisper on the wind

Poems are the places were stretched metaphors are allowed, but please check what you’re saying exactly. How is a whisper innocent? Is this really the best word to help evocate innocence in your reader’s mind? Or maybe innocence is not really what you wanted to evocate? Thinking carefully about your metaphors will make them work better. Even if the reader doesn't notice how much work you put in a few words, it will leave a much stronger impression on him. It's worth it.

Quote:
A smile as beautiful as any sunset

Don’t use cliché. Poems are short, it’s not worth using up lines to say things others have said before. I know, it’s hard, because there are so many of them and they come so easily to the mind. But what the hell, you’re a writer, aren’t you? Have no mercy for cliché, hunt them down and rewrite them. Be creative.

Lately I said to a go player who posted his short story for review that words in a story are just like stones on a go board. You need to make them work efficiently to reach the goal you have set to yourself (an atmosphere, an emotion, ...). Whether you can put together a piece of art in a night, a week or a year depends on your character or talent, but no matter how, you should know what your words are supposed to accomplish (be it something as undefined as simply hope or nostalgy).

A last tip: it's good to read out poems to yourself loud. Try to forget about the actual meaning of the words, as if it was some foreign language. And then try to find the rhythm in your verses.

And don't feel distressed because of critic. As I said, good poetry is very, very hard to achieve.
Author:  Suji [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
I liked it.

Quote:
My number one talent is writing. It's what I love doing. Always has been. Always will be.


Keep writing. I'm a little jealous that you have a hobby that can calm you down. My number one talent is math, and I cannot do it while I'm stressed, angry, sad, etc.

Honestly, I took the poem literally and imagined a lonely star dying out in the far corner of the universe.

Maere didn't like it, and thought it was random lines written down. I liked it, and thought that the lines worked together well. I guess that we're both right.
Author:  Jedo [ Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Supernova (Poem)
Maere wrote:
*constructive criticism*



I just want to say that as a (prose) writer, I always appreciate when people have helpful feedback, even if it's not what I want to hear. It can be tough to tell someone like it is, but it will ultimately help someone improve their writing.
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