The Story of a Loser - The Great Pitfall of Studying Go!

[Ian Butler]

The Great Pitfall of Studying Go according to Ian Butler
I've been studying Go for six months now. A relatively short period but I've taken to it with an almost obsessive drive. Almost every day, and for hours and hours.
I've read dozens of books (literally), studied life and death, played games, reviewed almost every single one of those games, I've reviewed games by stronger players and whatnot.

But I need to learn to chill out.

Frustration is the pitfall. In those six months, it's happened four or five times that I've lost a game and was in a bad mood for hours afterward. Actually cursing the game, or thinking I should stop playing it entirely, that it's not worth it, etc etc etc. Mostly, trying to figure out why a game put me in such a bad mood, it almost seems impossible.
And then it happens again, a few weeks later.

Maybe it has a root cause that I'm unaware of, very probably actually.
It's not a fear/dread of losing. I've lost many games and I'm very okay with that.
It's not that I care an awful lot about rank. I know I develop well and I'm still growing stronger and we'll see where it ends up.

I think (but I'm not sure) it amounts to my great pitfall: pressure.

What (lost) games frustrate me to no end? The ones where:
- I made a huge mistake, but one that could've been avoided. Misreading is human and doesn't get me angry/frustrated. It's when I didn't read, didn't think, played a move I KNOW won't work but I do so anyway. Those moves potentially get me angry (at myself, of course)
- I'm in a period of studying heavily. My sensei has an interesting take on this. Frustration is expectation - reality. What happens if you study hard? Exactly. Then when you make a mistake that you "shouldn't" make, it's even worse. ("you should be getting better and you play a worthless move like this...")

Those two combined, can cause me to feel really dreadful about Go. So I really need to turn that around.
Can I avoid playing mistakes? Probably not. I can do my best and play well in 99/100 games, but sooner or later you're going to make a "stupid" mistake, or slip up, be lazy and don't read out something, or whatever. The point is, mistakes happen. Even mistakes that "can't be excused" will sometimes happen. You can limit them, but that's about it.

So back to pressure.
Is it necessary to be so hard on myself after such a move? Definitely no.
Sure, I could be disappointed at myself a little bit and say "why did I play so fast without thinking, why this, why that?", and one should be a bit harsh with oneself if one wants to improve a lot. Be critical of your own play!
But there's a difference between being hard on yourself to improve and torture yourself endlessly. In the end, it's just a game.

So once again we're back to pressure. Such a move disgusts me because I "ought to be better" than that. I should play better, I should perform better. Why? Because I study a lot. Because I have a sensei and thus I should keep improving. Because I played a great game yesterday, so why shouldn't I always be able to play like that?


The great pitfall of studying Go. Expectation, pressure, frustration... It works against me.

I'm going on vacation in a few days, and I won't be bringing anything Go related. A real, clean, break from Go for a few weeks. I think it'll do me good.
After that, I need to find a way to surpass this pressure and try to get better at Go without all the bad stuff

Or rather. I don't "need" to. I want to. No pressure there

[Tami]

It takes time.

No matter how much you read, study, play, practise, think about go or any other discipline, it takes time for your brain to sort it all out.

I believe the process is called Relational Memory and has something to do with the hippocampus slowly connecting episodes of learning together. It can take years. Even now, as I begin to study go again, I find that old memories suddenly appear in my mind, but given a new perspective in light of what I'm doing now. And just today I realised that one of the key skills that I have been lacking for most of my go life has been the ability to play indirectly.

So, don't feel frustrated. Be excited that you're going to get a great deal stronger if you keep on trying.

Remember how you felt when you first learned to drive or ride a bike or something else like that. Weren't you shaky and nervous when you first got your licence? And now you're confident and everything comes smoothly. Well, that's how it will be in six months' time or a year's time or whatever time frame if you keep on applying a sincere effort to your go. The things you do in a clumsy way now will be done in an assured way.

I'm cheering you on!

[Knotwilg]

Every time you blunder, think of yourself as a 9d-pro

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt1FvPxmmfE

[Ian Butler]

The Conclusion of a Loser
For now, it seems this Study Journal will come to a close? How come? I will explain, but won't bore you with any details.

I've spent a few weeks in Southern France, away from Go and my usual life. I spent a lot of that time thinking and suddenly things came to me so clearly.
I've discovered I've been studying Go obsessively. No matter how beautiful Go is, obsession is never healthy.

And so I decided to free myself. I'm going back to broaden my horizon. I will start writing again, finishing that youth novel. I'll start playing music more again. I'll study many topics, including chemistry, biology, massage techniques, permaculture design and many more.
For now, Go will have to contend to be simply one of the many interests.

And so the study journal of a loser comes to a close (for now). What is the conclusion of this study journal?

1. Go is an amazing game. Most likely the greatest game in the world.
2. It has the power to teach you a lot about life. It did that brilliantly.
3. It has the danger of drowning in it. I did that, too.
4. This Loser learned the lesson he was supposed to learn from Go: enjoy your life, do everything you want to do.

That's exactly what I'm going to be doing.
I might update this journal from time to time, because let's face it: I'm not quitting Go altogether, that's unnecessary. But the obsessive, addictive study of Go has come to an end. 6 months from 22 kyu OGS to 8 kyu OGS. Many lessons learned, many hours played and studied. It's been great.

See you!

[ez4u]

...

I might update this journal from time to time, because let's face it: I'm not quitting Go altogether, that's unnecessary. But the obsessive, addictive study of Go has come to an end. 6 months from 22 kyu OGS to 8 kyu OGS. Many lessons learned, many hours played and studied. It's been great.

See you!

It seems like you should start a completely new journal from the point of view of a non-obsessive player who enjoys Go as one of many interests.

Meanwhile, thanks for baring you soul during your obsessive days. Your journal was a lot of fun.

[Knotwilg]

okay, if anyone else wants to be burned out, I’m available again

[Ian Butler]

...

I might update this journal from time to time, because let's face it: I'm not quitting Go altogether, that's unnecessary. But the obsessive, addictive study of Go has come to an end. 6 months from 22 kyu OGS to 8 kyu OGS. Many lessons learned, many hours played and studied. It's been great.

See you!

It seems like you should start a completely new journal from the point of view of a non-obsessive player who enjoys Go as one of many interests.

Meanwhile, thanks for baring you soul during your obsessive days. Your journal was a lot of fun.

Thanks! And, yes, that's a very good idea

okay, if anyone else wants to be burned out, I’m available again

If that's a joke, it's a good one
If it's not, it's hardly fair on yourself.

Because I'm definitely not burned out on Go. On the contrary, it's because I feel I could be sucked up in Go so heavily that I decide to take a huge step back. I could continue to fill my days with extensive study of Go for months/years to come and enjoy myself heavily. Just as I've enjoyed the past six months learning about it and playing.

But I've always been proud of my versatility, and it's that I want to protect. My ideal is Homo Universalis, and I want to strive to become (a part of) that. Go is dangerous because it'd contain me to just one aspect of being human.
That's the prime reason for this "break", not being burned out.

I still hope to get better/learn at Go, but just as one of the many interests. I have the same approach to playing instruments. I've always kept to the principles: I'd rather play many instruments decent, and play around with that, make music, have fun... then playing only 1 instrument really really well.
Same goes for Go.
I'd love to play Go well, but I'd rather play Go decent and also study (biology, art, history...), do sports, make music, write books...

I think that makes sense


So getting away from Go now is a logical reaction after over-studying it for 6 months. I have lots to catch up on in other domain. Eventually Go (study) will slip back into my life on a more balanced note.

[Knotwilg]

...

I might update this journal from time to time, because let's face it: I'm not quitting Go altogether, that's unnecessary. But the obsessive, addictive study of Go has come to an end. 6 months from 22 kyu OGS to 8 kyu OGS. Many lessons learned, many hours played and studied. It's been great.

See you!

It seems like you should start a completely new journal from the point of view of a non-obsessive player who enjoys Go as one of many interests.

Meanwhile, thanks for baring you soul during your obsessive days. Your journal was a lot of fun.

Thanks! And, yes, that's a very good idea

okay, if anyone else wants to be burned out, I’m available again

If that's a joke, it's a good one
If it's not, it's hardly fair on yourself.

Because I'm definitely not burned out on Go. On the contrary, it's because I feel I could be sucked up in Go so heavily that I decide to take a huge step back. I could continue to fill my days with extensive study of Go for months/years to come and enjoy myself heavily. Just as I've enjoyed the past six months learning about it and playing.

But I've always been proud of my versatility, and it's that I want to protect. My ideal is Homo Universalis, and I want to strive to become (a part of) that. Go is dangerous because it'd contain me to just one aspect of being human.
That's the prime reason for this "break", not being burned out.

I still hope to get better/learn at Go, but just as one of the many interests. I have the same approach to playing instruments. I've always kept to the principles: I'd rather play many instruments decent, and play around with that, make music, have fun... then playing only 1 instrument really really well.
Same goes for Go.
I'd love to play Go well, but I'd rather play Go decent and also study (biology, art, history...), do sports, make music, write books...

I think that makes sense


So getting away from Go now is a logical reaction after over-studying it for 6 months. I have lots to catch up on in other domain. Eventually Go (study) will slip back into my life on a more balanced note.

It was a joke

As I grow older, I go for depth more than breadth. When I was younger, I was like you: try and be moderately good at many things. There's no right or wrong here, not even in what you're supposed to do when growing older. It's just an observation: I share my time with less people but more intensely. I devote my energy to less passtimes but more deeply.

Listening to what you want to do with the time gained abandoning go study, I'm not sure the obsessive temperament is gone with the obsessive pursuit of go prowess. Every human life is unique though and your path will reveal itself. We can watch it from the sideline and make a few comments, some in vain, some ringing true.

[Ian Butler]

.
Listening to what you want to do with the time gained abandoning go study, I'm not sure the obsessive temperament is gone with the obsessive pursuit of go prowess.

You can't change your life over night
Believe me, I'm much more aware of the "problem" and I'm not going after those things obsessively. A passion for learning and a huge interest in many areas isn't necessarily obsession.