Played 2 real bad games yesterday. In a way, it's unfortunate to have a bad experience with playing again so close to the 2-week Go camp in Germany. I don't want to go there with a bad feeling about my Go. But it's a week before I have to leave, so I still have some time to get the confidence back. Or, at the very least, to forget the bad feelings coming from this game.
So, why were they bad?
I played 2 3H-games against knotwilg. Since my focus was to learn to attack, divide and conquer was to be the creed by which to live by.
The first game, I mess up already at move 16. It's a joseki I don't know, I play the wrong move. Ironically, trying to divide and conquer, trying to split white and launch an attack on the cutting stones.
It goes from bad to worse, I mess up L&D and the game was over quickly.

Not joseki, and for a reason
- Click Here To Show Diagram Code
[go]$$B Not joseki, and for a reason
$$ ---------------------------------------
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . , . . . . . , . . . . . X . . . |
$$ | . . . O . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . , . . . . . , . . . . . X . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . X . . . . . , . . . O X X X . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . X . O X O O . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 X O . O . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . O . . . |
$$ ---------------------------------------[/go]
The 5-4 had already unnerved me, too. Having forgot any 5-4 joseki, I didn't want to approach it, because against a Dan player, going into it without knowing joseki, I had a feeling I'd be tricked anyway.
The next game felt even worse for me. However, in the review, knotwilg pointed out it wasn't as bad as a thought. Still, I felt constantly assaulted and pushed around, I played a pincer twice, joseki I really dislike because the bad aji it leaves, especially against such a strong opponent.
Before the 70th move, I started playing weird, weird things, crazy wild Go. The reason was: I thought I was behind so much that I needed a desperate plan to be able to succeed. At least I had the decency to resign soon after.

Position at move 57
- Click Here To Show Diagram Code
[go]$$ Position at move 57
$$ ---------------------------------------
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . O X X . . . . . . . . . . X O O . . |
$$ | . . O X . . X . . . . X . O X X O . . |
$$ | . . O , . . . . X , . . . . . X O . . |
$$ | . . . O . . O . . . . . . . . X . . . |
$$ | . . X O . . . . . . . . . . . . O . . |
$$ | . . X O . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . X . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . . O . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . X O . . . . , . . . . . , . . . |
$$ | . . . X . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . X . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . . O X . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ | . . O . . . . . . . . . . . . X . . . |
$$ | . . . O X . . . . . . . . . . . . O . |
$$ | . . O X . X . X X X . . . . . X . . . |
$$ | . . O X . O . O O X . . . O X X O . . |
$$ | . . . O . . . . . . . . . . X O O . . |
$$ | . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
$$ ---------------------------------------[/go]
At the above position, I felt lost already. In the post-game review, we established the 3H stones have been erased, but the game is fairly even. White has a few more points on the board, black has more potential. In the game, I only saw white leading with territory and me with a lot more aji.
So there has to be something to learn here. Both on and off the board.
On the boardDivide and conquer is a powerful weapon, use it more effectively.
Unfortunately I don't feel I've learned a lot more on the board, just more of the same old lesson. And perhaps 2 new joseki.
Then, at least, allow me to learn something off the board. Because I think I lost the games mentally more than anything I did on the board.
Off the board- Detach from the board. I have the habit of seeing the board really grim for myself and really optimistic for my opponent. This leads to incredibly bad judgement.
- Don't play when you are ill and tired. Not looking for excuses, but I think that might've also played a (small) role.
- Find a way to deal with fear. After the joseki "blunder" of the first game, I played my second game way too consciously afraid. With white being a dan player, he was able to pick on every single bad shape move I made to take control of the game. I started being afraid to play moves because I was certain white would completely ruin my position.
- "You have to divide and conquer this game" doesn't work for me. It gives me a one-track mind for the game and I start making bad decisions. Being "forced" to play aggressive against a way stronger opponent that tears apart any bad or non-good shape I make is just a set-up to crash hard, I believe.
Maybe it's the best way to learn to attack, but it's certainly the harshest, too. Because I never even got a chance to attack, I was being too busy being attacked myself.
So, all in all a less pleasant experience with playing. Unfortunate timing with the Go camp coming up in a week. I need to get over it before I head there, I really do. I need to find strength again, instead of a whimpering fear to play. A week is enough time. I won't play too many games, but I should play at least one or two, hoping to recover my form a little bit.